I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
