I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
