I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
