life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
