Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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