Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
