So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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