I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
