dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
