i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
