I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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