We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
