So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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