I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
