She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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