Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
