Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
