my soul wont recognize me after tonight
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
