Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
