I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
