im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
