you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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