lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
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He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
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Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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