my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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