The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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