I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
