dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You were trust falling into bushes
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
