I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
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Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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