Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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