that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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