arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
