i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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