U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
