I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
