the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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