You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
