I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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