why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
