I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
