he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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