Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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