All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
