I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
