There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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