i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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