shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
