My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
