I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
