Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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