"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
