You don't have asthma, your pregnant
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
