i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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