I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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