you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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