I wish I could teleport
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
As shirtless as possible
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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