I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
